Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
