so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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