is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
You are a genius and a whore.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
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