hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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