you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
