i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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