I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
