I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
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