Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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