I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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