Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
