I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Randomize
