I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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