You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
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