3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
