he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
