So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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