I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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