I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
