so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Two words: blizzard sex
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Randomize
