A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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