I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
