You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
