guys are only as good as the porn they watch
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
