Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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