when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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