i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
