apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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