just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
