the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
