Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
