I could make wine with my vomit
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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