Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
