The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
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