how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
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