Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
