I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
