I don't usually arrange sex via text message
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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