yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
