Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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