Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
