I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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