I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
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