I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
If there's anything in this world better than hotboxing in the rain I haven't found it yet.
Agreed
No stitches, just platelets and will power
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
