i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
