so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
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