I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Randomize
