i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
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