grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
