Your tits are I can't wait for
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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