so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
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She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
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I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
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