My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
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