i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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