My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
...so i touched it.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
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