Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
