her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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