I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
