you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
