just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
