So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
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I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
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My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
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