I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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