my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
You can't just leave with hair like that
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
