So drunk its hurt
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Randomize
