splinters make it hard to masturbate
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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