it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Randomize
