nut hugger
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Mom said you looked used
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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