This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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