she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Randomize
