M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
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just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
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